I don't remember much of previous birthdays. The only years I remember are my 18th, 20th and 21st. My 18th was my first legal drink (on the house‒ thank you Whey Pat) surrounded by friends. My 21st was spent alone despairing in my university bedroom.
My 20th was a funny one‒ I tried throwing a house party, but being a shy compsci student meant that all I could muster was a measely Facebook Event page. Naturally, this wasn't enough to entice anyone beyond my close friends. Most of the night was spent playing Lugaru with a lone friend before others arrived.
Despite how it may sound, I look back fondly on that night; I really had a great time. It was the birthday that brought me into my twenties; now that decade is now over. Any objective analysis of these past ten years would yield dismal results: chronic illness, a lack of achievement, a draining of vitality.
That's not to say there were no small victories: I'm vastly stronger, fitter and wiser than my old self. If anything, it could be said that this decade was sacrificed to produce a healthy body and mind (more or less).
After years of misfortune I suppose I should be happy with this outcome. While I have occasional moments of contentment I largely feel frustrated and powerless. Materially speaking, I am a pauper and my career history is laughable. Living on an impoverished rural island only exacerbates these issues. At this age, the window of opportunity is all but closed; it is very likely that any new opportunity I receive will be my last. Miss it, and this overwhelming feeling of inertia will be impossible to remove.
In last year's entry I spoke so confidently of earning money. What a fool! Too hasty by far. Clearly I was not prepared for the fickleness of the current labour market.
A lack of paid work means I've returned to TVW, nibbling away at bits and pieces. Currently, I'm treating it as a hobby rather than a serious pursuit. It was barely a year ago that I announced that I would be indefinitely shelving TVW. What a fool indeed! Here I am again, firmly caught within its gravity. That said, there's absolutely no end in sight: the idea of me ever finishing the engine seems fantastical, let alone an entire game.
Games
Speaking of games, I actually played (and finished!) a game this year: It Takes Two.
I completed it over the course of a weekend with my girlfriend. It was a truly joyous experience, but we see little value in replaying it. We've thought of playing its successor, Split Fiction, but the price is extortionate: call me a cheapskate, but I simply refuse to pay a AAA-price for what may be an open-and-shut 8-hour experience.
Beyond this, I've played nothing at all apart from the odd stint in Minecraft.
*
I've often written-off games due to their infancy. While I still hold this belief, it has softened: I believe there's a growing corpus of indie games that may be worthy of investigation. My issue is that I have no knowledge of where or how to find them. I have a growing dislike of Steam and would like to avoid it at all costs. Sure, there are other websites, but I simply do not have the time or knowledge to differentiate the jewels from the slop.
Demos provide a natural solution to this problem. That said, I feel like there's still too much friction: it takes time to download and install a demo. This process is often longer than my playtime.
A less commented on strength of Notch's Minecraft was its demo, totally self-contained within the browser. If I could reverse time I would endeavour to make the full version of TVW totally playable within the browser as well. It's an utter tragedy that Oracle never produced a successor to Java applets; I think something magnificent was missed there.
Music
Doraji's pay heed to a little one that holds on to your hand is the best album I have listened to in many, many years.
For a long time, I've struggled to find an album that's consistently good; even albums I consider my all-time favourites, Riot on an Empty Street and Media Murdered the Young for example, still have weaknesses (Surprise Ice and Space Group, respectively). Pay Heed is the first album I've listened to, perhaps ever, that has broken through this limit. The only caveat is that its two-minute intro is a little shaky (I almost turned off the album the first time I listened to it because of this, shockingly).
Doraji has achieved shoegaze perfection with their first ‒and sadly only‒ album. The earth learns how to walk embodies the energy and vitality of the genre whereas deathofdeathstarorpainstair captures the numbing dizziness that the sound is known for. No effect or instrument feels out of place; every quality hits the mark:
I can't express how frustrating it is to see how unknown they are: as of writing, their Spotify only has 37 monthly listeners. Apart from this album, they only have one other song (why did Panam go broke). They are a Korean band, so any local info is beyond my grasp. It's very likely that this is all they will ever release, and all I will ever know. It hurts.
*
Another Korean band I've enjoyed is Bulsazzo. I discovered one of their songs, 18 1/2, several years ago and loved it, but struggled to find any of their other works (and with good reason!). This past year I've found a couple more. Their song, 다른 사람들은 조용한 삶을 영위하고 있다, is fantastic:
Sadly, I'll struggle to find any more tracks than the handful I've already found: they only release their music physically, not digitally. I actually respect that a lot.
Literature
I have only read one and a half books this year. I have no excuse; I've simply lost the desire to read. However the one book I read was riveting, thankfully. The People of the Abyss paints an incredibly stark picture of early 20th-century London. As someone with a passing interest in the era, the book provided many new and interesting details regarding inner-city life. Perhaps the most shocking was the sheer number of people who slept through the day in parks and alleys as the homeless were prevented from rough sleeping at night:
Hyde Park
As British society slips back into the abyss, people naturally yearn for the "good old days". Jack London's book is an excellent counter-point to this stance: it's clear that the caustic tendrils of capitalism were already entrenched and well on their way to liquefying the British working class, with or without the horror of the Great War on the horizon. This excerpt particularly stood out to me:
And equally stupendous is the callousness of the people who believe in Christ, acknowledge God, and go to church regularly on Sunday. For the rest of the week they riot about on the rents and profits which come to them from the East End stained with the blood of the children. Also, at times, so peculiarly are they made, they will take half a million of these rents and profits and send it away to educate the black boys of Soudan.
Nothing new under the sun.
Film
I saw a number of memorable films this year. Surprisingly, none of them were found at film festivals. This year I went to Glasgow Film Festival and Scotland Loves Anime. I saw two films at GFF, A Brief History of a Family and Baby Assassins 3. Both were fine, if a little bland.
At Scotland Loves Anime, I was quite excited for the new Lupin III film by Takeshi Koike. He was present at the screening for a Q&A. Crushingly, the film was the most dismal viewing experience I had experienced since Poor Things. Why Koike thought sci-fi was a suitable genre for a Lupin film I simply do not know. Clearly I wasn't the only one blindsided by this as someone asked about this during his Q&A. His response was rather nonchalant, as if such an idea wasn't that big of a deal. I found that rather unsettling.
The only film worth watching at SLA was the remaster of Vampire Hunter D. Sadly I was too sloshed to truly appreciate it.
*
Everything good was watched from my computer screen: Glengarry Glenross, Lolita, Pride & Prejudice; films at first glance I thought I would have no interest in yet each was truly memorable.
*
As for TV series, I absolutely adored Aeon Flux; it caught me completely off-guard. Despite its simple presentation, it was surprisingly sophisticated. It can't be watched at a glance: viewing requires full concentration. As such, I wouldn't recommend marathoning the whole series. By far the best episode was Thanatophobia. It is the most demoralising depiction of human society that I have ever witnessed.
*
Speaking of demoralisation, another TV series stirred my imagination: Tokyo Girl (2016). I can't remember how I stumbled upon this one, but I was sold from episode 1. Its depiction of city living is frighteningly grounded; at no point does its realism loosen its grip. I was surprised (and impressed) that they were willing to carry the hollowness of urban living all the way to the very end; less ambitious shows would repent and provide some resolution and comfort for the audience.
Manga
This year I spent many, many weeks reading through bits and pieces of Tsutomu Nihei's library. I have so much love for Blame! but I never gave any of his other series much attention. During winter I ended up reading Aposimz and Tower Dungeon.
Both series are excellent, yet both suffer from serious flaws: Aposimz's final act is beyond rushed and borderline unreadable whereas Tower Dungeon's art appears to deteriorate with every new chapter. Nihei is phenomenal at creating mysterious worlds; the strength of his world building allows me to excuse the weakness. My only minor criticism is that he leans on Blame! references a little to heavily in other works; he can't seem to escape it.
Those were the two manga series I read this year. I did not realise Tower Dungeon was written by Nihei until I had caught-up with the releases, funnily enough.
Art
I now notice that I failed to include this category last year. Not that it really mattered: I haven't seen anything particularly noteworthy these past two years.
Coda
These entries are continuing to get shorter and shorter. These little scribbles are rather forced: even with things I greatly enjoy I have no desire to write. I still question if that boundless love for creative pursuits is something that I can regain. It's not as if that love has simply been diverted into something new: it genuinely feels like it has simply vanished.
That said, I still have my moments: I notice that programming TVW often makes me manic: I find it hard to switch-off after most sessions as I always want to continue deep into the night. This past week was particularly strange as it was the first time it has ever given me adrenaline shakes. I don't drink caffeine or energy drinks, just for clarity. I'm certain many people will find this unhealthy (I do not dispute this) but I feel like these moments are the closest I get to that old, romantic, unhinged and unconquerable spirit of early adulthood.
I have no idea what the future holds; it feels like many things are converging: the need for money, TVW, my psyche... Somehow I must thread the needle.
Yet another year. Another year of highs, lows and hospitalisations. I will spare you the details.
***
Writing this now, two months past deadline, I feel like I'm in a better position than I was during my last submission. Plenty of misery was required to reach this point: the first six months of 2024 were spent grieving for The Valentine Watch. At some point in spring I came to the crushing realisation that I am simply unfit to build the game I want it to be and that I must give it up and get on with life.
At some point it became abundantly clear how uncreative I had become. I was no longer thinking about the game– or much of anything else, for that matter. At that point, why pretend to be an artist? It's not as though it was giving me any benefit: I was effectively unemployed and penniless, lacking any semblance of order in my life.
I'm going to take a long, long break from it. It sounds ridiculous, but I don't think I'll be able to return to it until I'm retired. Now that my mindset has shifted, I find it hard to engage with any of the arts; I did not realise how much of my motivation with these things stemmed from my own "employment" as a game developer. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I now spend my time staring at the ceiling when I'm not working or earning money. It's a scary change. Sure, I'm still sociable, but I am haunted by how sudden I could sink into the NPC worker-drone mindset and jettison all artistic interest.
At this point, I really don't mind: receiving a regular income is surprisingly palliative. Working on TVW meant I had to live a life of austerity for years. Over the last six months I've managed to purchase a nice bamboo desk and leather chair, a new computer, and even enjoyed a short city break at a nice hotel with my girlfriend. Honestly, it's been rather pleasant.
Ultimately, I don't know what it all means for this blog; I first started writing this thing to chronicle the evolution of my artistic sensibilities as I progressed with my craft. Do these things even matter any more when there is no game? I'm not so sure.
I do hope to come back to TVW one day. Although if I'm to be frank, that could be 20+ years away.
Music
I found nothing particularly memorable this year. Sadly, every other category is even less eventful.
I found a few more Youtube channels dedicated to Chinese music to occupy me [1][2]. While I've not been struck by anything astounding, these sources have provided me with many hours of background musing. Eureka!'s Tennis Girl, Archibold's We are Self Service! and Spanova's Beautiful Lifelines have been favourites.
***
In late spring, I stumbled upon this video:
I was immediately struck: this is the kind of music that I had dreamt of playing for years. Kings of Convenience, but with a woman and an electric guitar. I found the recorded version of the song and adored it, even if the Telecaster was absent. That said, I found little else in Big Thief's repertoire that met my expectations. I found her lyrics to be unusually compelling; unfortunately the rest of their sound was lacklustre. Her solo album, Hours Were the Birds, fared better, reminding me more of Kings of Convenience once again.
***
The only album that's held my attention for any length of time this year was Mountain Laughed by Wandering Years. The songs House Party and News from Outside were my favourites. The band has a growing library; they even released another album this year. Sadly it has all left me sorely disappointed.
Movies
Few films were watched this year; I'm finding it increasingly difficult to sit still for their duration. I don't think this is caused by a deficit of attention, but rather a lack of quality releases. Apart from a few hidden corners of China, I feel like there's little left to explore that meets my sensibilities.
Both Edinburgh and Glasgow's film festivals were riddled with slop so I visited neither. Instead, I attended Scotland Loves Anime for the first time in years. I saw six films in total; three were fine and three were great.
Naoko Yamada's The Colours Within was very good. That said, I was taken aback more by her presence at the cinema than of the film itself. As someone I have greatly admired for close to a decade, it was a cathartic experience. While my love for her works has waned alongside my love of most media, I would still consider this moment to be one of the most memorable events of this year. Both her and her accompanying composer were very interesting people: eccentric and captivating, yet well-spoken and composed.
Lupin III: The Castle of Cagliostro was another highlight of the event; I forgot how wonderful it was. It manages to capture a sense of Europeana better than most contemporary cinema. It may be my favourite Miyazaki film.
However, the absolute star of the festival was The Little Girl at the Window. It blew me a way with its absolute sincerity and sentimentalism.
***
Apart from these viewings, I only paid a visit to the cinema on two other occasions: once to see Anora and another to see Gladiator II. While I was appreciative of the former, the experience was largely overshadowed by an absolutely neck-breaking viewing angle which Curzon had the gall to charge £18 a head for. It was humorous, but like most of Sean Baker's works, it really only needs to be seen once. Unfortunately my memory of this film will be stained by Curzon's shitty Hoxton cinema more than anything else.
Gladiator II barely deserves mention; Ridley Scott hasn't made a good film since the original Gladiator. Now it wasn't terrible: at the very least the set design was pretty.
***
The most interesting film I watched this year was The Open Road, a delightful travel documentary from 1926. A single car, a Vauxhall D-Type, travels the length of Britain capturing scenes of the country's interwar towns, villages, cities, and countryside. All across the country, every place and person is beautiful. Even the less handsome areas (such as the Welsh mining town featured) contain a certain charm.
There is no audio apart from its beautiful piano accompaniment; other than the occasional and humorous intertitle, you are left to enjoy an otherworldly Britain in its true colours, undisturbed.
Games
Another year with no gaming. The only difference is that this year is the first in a decade where I didn't spend any time making them, either.
At the behest of a friend, I did play some PokeRogue. I quite like it; it's a good way to melt time between chores and train rides. At its core, it's Pokémon Showdown for solitary individuals; a way to make endless teambuilding and battling engaging even when alone. The game is a testament to the elegance of Pokémon's battle mechanics: how a relatively shallow –but near-perfect– set of rules can produce a broad set of engaging scenarios (the game of chess achieves this better than anything else).
Rather interestingly, PokeRogue runs entirely within the user's browser. At first glance, this does not seem significant; the game only looks as good as a GBA game. Despite that, there is something to be said about a game that can run instantly on any device connected to the internet.
If I was to build The Valentine Watch by scratch today, I would build it this way.
Literature
This year has been a total failure: I've read almost nothing at all. Apart from a mediocre Japanese novel suggested by an ex, the only reading I've managed this year is a collection of Akutagawa's short stories. With that, I have read nearly every story of his that's been translated into English. The only glaring omission is Kappa.
I thoroughly enjoyed it. As always, I find myself drawn to his semi-autobiographical work. This was the first time I read Spinning Gears; I believe it to be one of his finest works. His malaise is palpable.
Had I read that piece in my early twenties I would have found his melancholy painfully relatable. I would have treasured his hurt. Not so much these days: as I get older, I'm finding it harder to relate to the pitiable and pathetic. That's probably for the best. Despite that, there's still something there in his final works like Spinning Gears that is strangely penetrating.
I sincerely hope that I start reading again in 2025 as my own writing quality has suffered. There is a copy of The Aeneid laying on my bedside cabinet, just out of view. I first attempted to read it when I was 18 while visiting Italy. It has been in the back of my mind since then. It beckons me.
Manga
I haven't read any new manga this year. My oldest love, Hunter x Hunter, did however release a batch of ten new chapters. At this stage, a single chapter of HxH is worth more than the sum of any mediocre series. I started reading the current arc when I was a teenager; all these years later and it still feels like Togashi is merely setting the scene; act one is yet to conclude. I do not doubt his decision; I firmly believe that this arc is moving somewhere incredible. With the latest batch of chapters it seems like we are finally reached the turning point: from here on in, more characters will perish than be introduced.
I'm really excited to see where it goes. I don't particularly care for media in general, but this singular work still twinkles bright enough to leave me enraptured.
Coda
I'm certain this year's entry will be a labour to read (it was certainly a labour to write). I really do wonder what the current purpose of this journal is. Looking at the 3x3 of influences below, I feel very little emotion. A few years prior, every single person on this grid seemed like a god. I was obsessed with their craft and what I could learn from them to improve me own. These days I really only think about money. In that sense, I'm becoming more like my father.
My brief encounter this year with Naoko Yamada, an ex-member of this grid, thankfully managed to stir my heart. However, I feel like if that same experience had occurred half a decade ago I would have been utterly fanatical: I would have worshipped every gesture emanating from her fairy-like appearance.
***
There is a coldness about my current outlook; perhaps even a waning of spirit. While I understand the necessity of earning money and having a means to prosper, I'm a little unnerved: I miss the manic, imaginative highs of my early twenties. I think I'm going to save some cash for the time being: treat myself, treat my girlfriend and turn myself around. I just hope that when everything –living situation, finances, and beyond– is in order I can regain some of my old, creative self.
In last year's update I mentioned my dismay stemming from a lack of progress in releasing a demo for The Valentine Watch. As such, you can only imagine my frustration knowing that it's still not released. Every time I draft a seemingly-sensible schedule for its development, it always seems like its completion is just around the corner; only a handful of months away at best. Initially, these plans appear to hold true and I catch faint glimpses of the finish line. However as I grow comfortable with the rate of progress, unforeseen issues and underestimations inevitably take hold and wreak havoc, crushing my expectations and faltering my motivation and discipline in the process.
This marathon of a grind has been a ferocious battle of attrition; a seemingly never-ending cycle of rescheduling and reiteration. Back in June (now already half a year ago) it was around one year since I had graduated from university. It made me realise how little had changed in the time since departing: still at home, still no real income, still no game. No real change other than an extra year tallied onto my age. In many ways I think this has been my bleakest year and it leaves me anxious whilst dreaming of the future-- I really can't see myself looking back fondly on this chapter of my life, even if there's not much worthy of remembrance.
Now that's not to say it was a complete loss. I did manage to secure some grants and take steps towards turning this game- and career by extension- into an actual business entity: I secured a little under £10,000 in funding; I made my first trip to a games expo; I registered myself as a sole trader.
Even the game seems to be reaching some sort of milestone: this past month I finished writing the first draft of the demo's script, the first draft of the trailer, as well as taking steps to conclude the programming side of development. Once again, a demo release seems well within reach. I hesitate to announce a date but I know it's coming soon, I can feel it in my bones. I just need to delve a little further, a little deeper into this deafening chasm I find myself in.
◇◆◇
Games
Unfortunately this year has also been entirely devoid of games. Aside from my own, I don't think I've spent more than thirty hours playing anything at all this past year.
Just like the last, I've found it incredibly difficult to find anything worth playing-- very few of the games I stumbled across seemed all that alluring. However that's not to say that there were none whatsoever-- my lack of enthusiasm meant that I rarely searched for the new and obscure so I'm hopeful that there are at least some hidden gems that have simply flown beneath my radar. But from what I did see, I found games like Red Dead Redemption 2 to be very fascinating. That said, I would still be hard-pressed to justify the cost of a new console based on it alone (as well as the current state of my bank balance).
For the first half of the year I continued to spend time (albeit less frequently) playing Melee and attending the occasional local tournament. However in the space of a few months I broke two controllers and lacked the motivation to buy another. This is something I still haven't done, despite enjoying the game. And I still haven't played Melee since, thanks to this lethargy.
It looked like I was going to complete the year without finishing anything new. If it wasn't for Toby Fox's surprise release, Deltarune,that sadly would have been the case. I was very excited to play it-- I consider Toby a major inspiration of mine (honestly, the development/release cycle of Undertale appears to be the best possible outcome for a solo indie dev) and I was expecting to have mounds to write by the time it was all over.
I didn't realise it was just a demo so I was more than a little disappointed when I reached the end of the experience. However, even after taken that into account I feel like the core narrative was rather underwhelming.
Everything started off so strong: I thought the opening character creation sequence was rather devious and set up an interesting concept for the narrative to explore. However, it felt like the idea was dropped the moment the intro sequence was over. Yes, while you had no 'choice' in the story, there was never a point where you felt like the lack of choice or agency really mattered in the grand scheme of things-- everything always turned out alright in the end.
I was also a little disappointed to see him resort to recycling characters from Undertale. At first I thought there was some significance to this, like the fact that the game starts almost as if it's a direct sequel to it. But then once again all of these ideas were dropped as soon as their use had expired: there is nothing more to read in their inclusion. Even Toby seemed to suggest as much on his Twitter. But if that's the case, then what's the point? It's not just the characters either-- so much of the game seems to draw parallels to Undertale. I mean, look at the structure: child(ren) falls into an unknown underground society and must search for a means of escape. A goat helps guide them as they come to terms with this foreign land. Along the way, a '''villain''' tries to capture them and prevent them from escaping. Through repeated encounters (via puzzles and battles) we learn that they are in fact harmless (and humorous) and are given a chance to befriend them.
While it seems harsh to assume his intentions when it is just a work in progress, to me it felt as though he was trying to capitalise on the strength of these previous concepts without the willingness to handle any of their baggage.
And the worst thing is is that I found all the new characters to be charming-- the interactions between the main trio were particularly delightful. I just wish the game diverged more from the previous or at the very least tried to reconcile some of its ideas.
While it's true that this is only a demo and we don't really know what's planned I still don't think it's productive to keep quiet about these reservations. Even now, a big part of me thinks that this is one big ruse, and that Toby has intentionally created these false pretenses to lure us into the big twist in the finished game. I have absolute faith in his ability to do so, perhaps more so than any other game developer. There were plenty of upgrades to Deltarune that show he has the skills: the new combat system (and its beautiful, beautiful animations), the new character designs, even the lighting in some sections seemed a cut above:
Apparently it took him an exhausting three years to make this demo (boy, I can relate to that) so the full release is still a little off. Despite that, and whatever criticism I have just made, this game is one that I am really, really, looking forward to.
I wonder what will be completed first: Deltarune or The Valentine Watch...
Film
Following this trend, my consumption of films has also waned. With every passing year, worthwhile movies seems harder and harder to find. Very few releases have compelled me to attend a screening and I've almost entirely stopped watching streams. All I seem to watch now is the same old Adam Curtis docs I've seen a hundred times.
I went to the same film festival this year and found it rather disappointing when compared to the last. I don't know if 2017 was a particularly strong year or what, but my time felt wasted by the bulk of the screenings this time around. The only highlight was An Elephant Sitting Still, a four-hour flick from China. The film was a bit of a grind, not just because of its length but also due its slow, methodical pacing. Despite that, there are a lot of scenes that stick in my mind after all this time.
The only other standout film I saw at the cinema this year was Shoplifters by Hirokazu Koreeda. It is by far my favourite film made by him, and probably my best experience in a theatre since Tokyo Godfathers over a year ago.
However, the most important film (or perhaps any piece of art, period) that I saw this year was No Game No Life Zero, of all things.
This was a complete surprise. This past year I've really fallen out of favour with anime. One night after returning from the gym I decided to search for a film to help me fall asleep. By sheer chance I found this gem. I vaguely remember watching the TV series many years ago and somewhat enjoying it. So why not give this a go?
I was very close to switching it off while watching: it was filled with your typical, by-the-book anime tropes, vanilla animation, and a bog-standard post-apocalyptic storyline to fill-in the gaps. Some scenes seemed laughably poor. I even had to pause the video on routine to fill myself in on all the crucial lore needed to appreciate the scenes and characters. Despite these frustrations, I persisted and watched it through to the end. I thought it was pretty alright. I fell asleep soon after.
The next day, the film was still on my mind so I decided to re-watch it. The same flurry of thoughts lingered through to the next day after that so I watched it yet again for a third time. After that, I binged the original series all over again with newfound appreciation. Soon after I watched all the obscure OVAs and extras associated with the series.
I had fallen in love with the film. For about two weeks it was constantly plaguing my mind, robbing me of entire days of productivity. Even though I had exhausted all forms of its content I desperately hunted for more: discussions, fan-art, figurines,...
Without a doubt, this is the most obsessed I have been with a film or franchise since I was a teen. However, even with all of this unfettered adoration I was still keenly aware of how awkward and unbalanced the film was. I was convinced that this was my favourite thing ever, even if the bulk of it was bad.
For whatever reason, the second half of the film resonated with me so strongly as to make the first half effectively irrelevant in my enjoyment of the whole. Even now, I'm not entirely sure why exactly it affected me so much.
If I tried to explain it, I think it has to do with the 'slow murder' of the main character during the climax. A heart-rending, gut-wrenching demise made all the worse by the fact that you knew she was doomed to perish from the outset. The music in this scene is phenomenal and lends the tragedy an 'operatic' flair.
Up until this point, my ideas of art in general were very pretentious, to put it lightly; I was very, very critical of shilling through art. The fact that I fell in love with this film forced me to rethink my perspective and shake-off this juvenile arrogance that was at the heart of my philosophy. The film was obviously produced with the intent to extract wealth from the Otaku invested in the original. The amount of merchandise is overwhelming: figures, posters, collector's editions, you name it. This film was made with profit in mind, not some higher, nobler cause, whatever that means. But even if that's the case, does that really matter if I loved it?
I haven't watched it again since my binge, though I really want to. While my wild obsession with the franchise quickly died down my curiosity remains dormant. The subtitles in the version I watched were very questionable so I've been waiting for a polished blu-ray release. While I'm a little scared that this re-watch will tarnish the grand idea I have of this film in my mind, I'm intrigued to see how my feelings hold after all this time. The blu-ray was just recently released in the UK so I guess we'll find out soon.
Music
LAVA|OX|SEA
LAVA|OX|SEA !!!
LAVA|OX|SEA !!!!!!!!!
What a band! Soon after writing last year's review I stumbled upon the band's entire discography and fell in love. I had been well aware of this band for a number of years (even mentioning them in last year's update) but I struggled to find much of the band's works: only a handful of their songs were available on YouTube. But the tracks that I could find were all great, cultivating a distinctive tone that aligned seamlessly with my own predilections. However, because there were so few I never felt like I had the opportunity to truly immerse myself within their sound. For the longest time, I was under the impression that this tiny catalogue was all that existed of this peculiar band. However, after stumbling across the band's RateYourMusic profile I discovered that I had barely scratched the surface-- entire album's worth of material was listed so I soon went on a hunt to find these missing tapes. Where it was remained a mystery, but I knew that if was to find any more, I would have to dig deep.
After a few nights of investigation, I found a site called Xiami, which can best be described as a Chinese Spotify. Here, I found all of their albums as well as other obscure tracks belonging to other similarly-obscure artists.
I find it hard to describe what exactly draws me to this band-- even their genre is hard to pinpoint. If I had to say, I would describe their appeal as something much more fundamental, embedded within their seemingly-unique approach to music. This flavour can be felt through each of their albums even though the resultant sound of each remains incredibly distinctive: ultra lo-fi indie tapes in Media Murdered the Young to violent and thrashy rock affairs in Heavy Metal Rock is the Best Music (please note that this album is anything but heavy metal).
Despite their major differences, all of their albums maintain a high benchmark and I would struggle to single out any of them as the best. Equally, none of them are flawless, as each album possesses its own unique faults.
Sadly the band disbanded several years ago so it's unlikely that we will ever see another release. While the frontman/guitarist Han-Han has performed in a handful of acts previous to and since LAVA|OX|SEA (Lowspirit, Duck Fight Goose, GOOOOOSE), they largely fail to fill the gap-- while faint familiar flavours can be felt here and there, it's simply not the same. Thankfully I haven't exhausted the band's four albums just yet so the panic can hold off, at least for now.
This past year, I've also been delving into classical. Initially this was done as an exercise to boost my knowledge of the genre as the soundtrack for The Valentine Watch will be comprised of arrangements from that era. However, slowly but surely, this venture transformed into a leisure as I found more pockets of interest within the field. I had never really taken interest in classical music outside of a handful of compositions (Gymnopédies, Danse Macabre) but today I find myself with a broad range of interests in the genre, both old and new.
This process was kickstarted by my discovery of Janis Crunch's album, I Just Love the Piano. I was drawn to this collection after hearing the track Rob Call. To this day it remains my favourite piano piece and one of my favourite songs ever:
A live version of the song. Check out the version on 'Casa' if you can!
Before this album, I never thought I'd be able to tolerate a full-length LP comprised almost exclusively of piano. Needless to say, this album changed that. Not only has it become one of my favourites, it has also given me the desire to learn piano (or at the very least, the aforementioned song).
From there, my prejudices towards the genre shrank and I began to delve further into the music. I now love Rachmaninov (The Isle of the Dead) and Ravel (Pavane for a Dead Princess, A Boat on the Ocean) and I'm sure there's plenty more out there for me to discover.
This past year my love for The Cinematic Orchestra has also reignited. Initially, I discovered them back in high school through their album Everyday. However during my time at university I began to fall out of favour with them and they receded to the back of my mind before fading entirely. Over Summer I rediscovered them, and this time went on to explore their entire discography. Similar to LAVA|OX|SEA, each album caters to a different itch while maintaining a high-level of excellence. I'm glad to have found them again.
Other than that, my obscure-hipster-Asian rock tastes have also developed and I am now listening to bands like Scarlet's Other Parts, Butterbeer, and The White Tulips.
Art
Unfortunately my exploration of art has also stagnated this year: I've lacked the opportunity to explore any new galleries recently so I've often had to resort to retreading through the same old lot. I'd really need to visit new cities and new countries if I'm to find anything refreshing at this point. As such, I haven't really had the chance to develop my tastes: things are more or less looking the same as they were a year ago.
That said, I have been attending life drawing sessions again after stopping for six months. While I'm not 100% happy with where I am now, I am comfortable enough to share some of my sketches:
I'm going to continue sketching for the foreseeable future although I would really like to delve into painting, particularly oil. Maybe I'll be able to show you all some next year.
Manga / Comics
I've been reading a tonne of manga this year. While my exploration of most other mediums could be described as sluggish, my interest in manga has been thoroughly rejuvenated. At this point it may even be the medium that I have consumed the most of, or at the very least, the most frequently.
As a young teen I used to read chapters every other day. While I preferred anime, their awkward broadcast schedules coupled with a lack of adequate streaming sites meant that it was too frustrating and too out of reach for casual enjoyment. Manga provided a cheaper, more readily available alternative for accessing the subculture. Every week I could look forward to a batch of new chapters from all of my favourite series. Now I don't remember reading anything particularly noteworthy from that time; I'm sure it was just the usual weeb staples like Naruto, Death Note, and Gantz.
However, as internet speeds rocketed and streaming sites improved my focus shifted back to anime. I only read manga in the cases where I could follow the story further than their respective anime (like in the case of Tokyo Ghoul and Hunter x Hunter).
It wasn't until last year that my patience for anime began to wear. Once again, I shifted back to manga and I was immediately caught off-guard by the diversity and variety on offer, especially when compared to anime: narrative, tone, aesthetic,... there was so much more to see and it all felt much more deliberate. I dug in, first sinking my teeth into shorter titles like Downfall and Mujirushi.
I would like to gush about all the fantastic series I've read this past year but there are simply too many.
I love BLAME! for its utterly bleak portrait of our future; I love Golden Kamuy for its humorous and intriguing caper in an interesting era; I love Dorohedoro for its scratchy, punk aesthetic and its dark twisted humour; I love ReLIFE for its sweet charm and captivating conceit; I love Memories of Emanon for its beautiful yet bittersweet take on a single night's encounter and the painful longing that comes thereafter.
I'm really glad I've delved back into manga. For once, I have no fear that I'm going to run the supply dry, at least for this coming year-- there is simply too much that I still need to read. I've barely scratched the surface with Inio Asanoor Naoki Urusawa and I still have the conclusions of Attack on Titan, Hunter x Hunter, and Golden Kamuy to enjoy. Plenty to look forward too!
Books & Literature
Lastly, I wanted to briefly mention my recent appreciation for novels. It has finally clicked! For most of my life I've had very little motivation when it comes to reading even though I knew that it was something I really had to do if I was to improve as a creator: how else could I increase my proficiency in writing if I did not read? For me, I think the issue lied with the fact that I found it immensely difficult to find books with stories that I would take interest in. However, whenever I did unearth a sliver of interest in books it always came in a burst, usually after finding a cluster of stories that matched my sensibilities for the time: fantastical epics with TheIliad and The Odyssey, dystopian futures with 1984 and Brave New World.
However in these cases I would find it difficult to find the next novel once I had exhausted the most obvious and natural progression. It was also tiring to read the same niche genre over and over again. As such, I could never extend my interest beyond a handful of books at a time.
In recent months however, things have turned and I think I can finally say that I've found my favourite author, Osamu Dazai:
I picked up his final novel, No Longer Human, back in August and immediately fell in love. While that may not be the most apt expression to use when discussing a novel about alienation, drug abuse, depression, and suicide, I found it strangely touching and resonating.
His earlier novel, The Setting Sun was just as beautiful and unsettling. It is the first book that I've read where specific passages have hit me like a tonne of bricks, searing their words into my mind in the process:
"Whenever you can hear the gloomy sighs of woe from the four walls around you, you know there's not a chance of happiness existing just for you. What feelings do you suppose a man has when he realises that he will never know happiness or glory as long as he lives? Hard work. All that amounts to is food for the wild beasts of hunger. There are too many pitiful people."
I'm currently reading Fahrenheit 451 and I think I might also start Spring Snow soon, marking the first time I've read two books in tandem.
I'm glad things seem to be finally clicking. It is still very much a new hobby of mine so I cannot definitively say I have a top 10 yet (I think I would struggle to even name ten novels). However I hope that my interest continues to blossom over the course of this coming year. Maybe I'll have a 3x3 for next time.
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Final Remark
In many ways, the 'highlights' of this past year have been experiences through fiction, whether it's film, manga, music or other. Hopefully this isn't a prelude to the new norm expected in adult life, but rather a transitional phase after the freefall I've found myself in since graduating.
It has largely been an uneventful year, grinding away for hours upon hours trying to realise this project. I feel ineffectual and incapable much of the time but what determination is left is firmly set on seeing this project to completion in some form; whether that is just a demo or something more remains to be seen, however. While I have been saying for months- probably even years- that the demo is right round the corner I can now feel it in my bones. Not much longer to go.
Now to prevent this post from diving straight off into the deep-end of depression I should point out that this year hasn't been a complete loss-- there have of course been some high points. Just over a week ago I went to my first music concert in years, seeing Tricot in Glasgow. It's not much, but I found the whole experience to be astounding. What a band! They are quite possibly the coolest people I have ever witnessed. If there is only a single day from this year that I look back fondly on, I'm sure it will be that. Hopefully there will be many more days just like it right around the corner.
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P.S. For all those keeping score, the old iPhone is still functioning. It will be turning 9 years old next month.
A Long Overdue Update ~ In September I finished implementation of all levels necessary for the demo's release. Before August the only complete stage was the pub used in the game's introduction (and that level was completed over two years ago, christ). While that level alone is responsible for around half of the demo's playthrough, the other half is comprised of a wide array of outdoor stages, none of which were as-of-yet implemented. I had actually attempted to jump-start this process last Autumn by sketching out some designs for these levels. However my motivation for this facet of development evaporated shortly after I completed their sketches. The drawings were tossed on a shelf, untouched and unused for the better part of a year.
Now twelves months later, I thought it was about bloody time I cracked on and finished them.
The demo takes place within a quiet district inside the 'old town' of Valentine. As such, I wanted to make use of traditional building styles, namely half-timbered construction:
I think it's fair to say that this style of structure has become a cliché within the fantasy game genre, particularly J-RPGs. That said, they are rarely found in games set in modern eras despite the fact that they are still prevalent to this day in large regions of England, France, and Germany.
If we look at games in particular, implementations of this architecture can be flat and disappointing; oftentimes they are reduced to simple pale boxes painted with a wooden outline. While straightforward designs such as these can give buildings a somewhat serviceable amount of detail without a vast amount of effort, I would argue that they are doing a great disservice to the craft. These veneers often fail to capture some of the most unique and unusual aspects of the design such as jettying:
not the most obvious example of jettying but it's the only photo I have
The inclusion of these overhangs in your work can surely serve a greater purpose than academic masturbation. First of all, they create distinct and eye-catching outlines for the homes, halls and hovels that feature them, enhancing their visual appeal and atmosphere: narrow alleys become suffocating when these jetties lurch over the path, robbing it of daylight and dwarfing those caught under their shadow. They can also perform a functional role: on days with heavy rain, pedestrians could take shelter from the weather by seeking refuge underneath some of the more pronounced overhangs.
All of this functionality could be derived from the inclusion of this single element of design.
It should go without saying that buildings don't need to be 100% accurate, far from it-- I'm certainly not pushing for this. That said, I think the value of investigating and researching some of the finer points of architectures is criminally underrated.
I also think we need to reevaluate how we look at levels in a broader capacity. One of my pet peeves with level design is that we often see player convenience and accommodation of gameplay mechanics take precedence over the creation of a believable and rational world: why is the enemy standing right beside some TNT? Why aren't all NPC villages in the part of the world with no monsters? Why is there a convenient exit at the heart of this dark dungeon?
Yes, I know some of these may sound ridiculous. However I find it worrying that we simply gloss over these issues; as an audience we've grown so accustomed to them that we no longer question their inclusion. Can we not have convenient design and convincing worlds?
This problem can be seen at both micro- and macro- scales. To give a glaring example, take a look at Pokemon. Despite being 'open world', the game (largely) follows a single route that you cannot diverge from in any meaningful way. Despite being one contiguous world, the Pokemon you encounter, the strength of the trainers you meet, the items sold in shops are all conveniently tailored to the given route set out by the designer. Does this make sense within the world? No! No explanation is given in-game, either. It is simply a world made convenient for the player and no one else.
I absolutely detest this feeling of being lured down a single route, lead by the designer rather than by my own agency.
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So how does that rant relate to The Valentine Watch? Well ultimately I aim to minimise as much of these faults as I can with my level design. While there is only so much I can do within a short 15-minute demo there are several key points I have tried to tackle.
When it comes to creating a realistic and believable world, I have tried to design this district of Valentine as a web of streets rather than a series of levels or stages. The urban environment behaves and presents itself much like a normal, real-life neighbourhood: the streets branch and wind, weaving through other streets and alleys. The path you are expected to travel is not glowing or coloured gold-- it is a town of inhabitants, not your playground.
This is not to say that it is entirely directionless. There are places that you are 'meant' to go, but it is ultimately your choice whether you follow these signals or not. You are 'meant' to walk home with your mentor after a drink at the pub but you could just as easily stay and have a few more drinks. But if that's the case, good luck finding your own way home.
From a technical perspective, the body of each building is derived from a tileset composed of 24x24 tiles. Each 'texture' of half-timber (clay, cobble, etc.) has around 90 unique tiles. By making the set highly flexible I was able to make every building within the demo unique, reflecting the one-of-a-kind nature of their real-world counterparts.
The construction of these tilesets took a surprising amount of time, the bulk of which came from testing each tile's ability to align and tessellate with other tiles. This process was constant and gradual-- small, incremental tweaks were made as new inconsistencies were discovered. The sets weren't fully complete until halfway through level implementation.
While tiles were used to build the walls of each structure, additional elements were required for doors, windows, and other miscellaneous objects. About 200 of these assets were required in total for the demo, the majority of which were made from scratch.
A tileset was also created for terrain. It was absolutely imperative that this set was flexible, even more so than half-timber as it has to blend into several ground patterns: cobble, dirt, grass and more. It was important that frequently-used tiles such as cobble had plenty of variation (e.g. different stone orientations, missing stones,...) so that their repeated use is easy on the eyes. Overall, I'm pleased with the result and I think this set provides more variety than your standard 2D-RPG fare:
Plenty of engine adjustments were necessary to speed up the development pipeline and accommodate these new levels. Some of these levels were magnitudes larger than the pub so the engine had to be optimised to accommodate them (up until this point I didn't realise how much I had to care about GC in Java, what an amateur).
You can see the influence these engine changes and asset generation had on the development time for each individual level:
First Level: 1 Month
Second Level: 10 Days
Third Level: 1 Week
Every Other Level: 1-3 Days
Once the ball started rolling, it rolled.
All in all, it took just under two months to develop the stages. The last few weeks of the process were absolute hell (80 hour weeks are no fun at all) but I'm glad they are done.
With all levels completed, the only significant portion left to complete is a very nasty bit of AI. I'll tell you all about it very soon.
** For those who are curious, I took the photos in Dinan, a delightful town in Northern France.
On the outer reaches of the Royal Channel, far from the Mainland, the island of Valentine has seen its vast fortunes decline. While the boom of the industrial revolution propelled many of the nation's cities into new-found wealth, this great force of change drained the island of its prosperity. The young and able left long ago, seeking greater opportunities overseas. As conditions worsen, residents look for someone to blame. Amidst the unrest a great, unfathomable threat remains unseen. But hope is not yet lost... The spirit of Valentine will endure. If the community can band together, a new brighter future shall be forged...
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So I've been making a game for a while now.
To put it simply (and a little ridiculously), I would describe the mechanics of the game as a cross between Animal Crossing and Final Fantasy Tactics. These two games cater to two very distinct itches: Community Simulation and Tactical Combat. The Valentine Watch is a narrative-driven blend of these two beloved genres.
Like Animal Crossing and other community simulators, the player is free to navigate a town and interact with its residents. However, rather than gaily frolicking through a town talking to animals, you will be sharing pints in smoke-clogged bars in a dilapidated Victorian Era port town.
Explore this town as you see fit-- wandering the streets and alleys, visiting stores, talking to locals. The town is very much alive: commuters will follow their schedule and routines through morning, day, and night. Where they work, relax, and return home is unique to each inhabitant.
Just as locals have their own jobs, you too are responsible for the well-being of the town. As a member of the "Valentine Watch" it is your duty to tackle crime and unrest. Whether these jobs are handled personally or by a subordinate is at your own discretion.
So where does combat come into this?
When we look at other Tactical-RPGs, we really only see two forms of combat: swords & sorcery and military shooters. With the Valentine Watch, I want to create something much more unique, and much more scrappy.
Instead of having large armies facing-off or a crack team of commandos performing coordinated strikes, the majority of fighting in The Valentine Watch will be pub brawls, street fights and other anti-social disturbances. Your main weapon will be your baton and handcuffs. Their main weapon will be their fists and their drinks.
Expect fists to be flung, chairs to be thrown, bottles to be smashed. Unconventional melee galore.
Exploration *and* Turn-Based Combat? It sounds like you've created two separate games.
Unlike other games that use an 'overworld' for the exploration and interaction and an entirely separate system for battles, The Valentine Watch is able to shift between the two seamlessly-- no transitions, no level swaps, nothing. The game simply swaps from real-time to a turn-based structure. By entwining these two contexts together some interesting circumstances can arise: an assailant could a launch a surprise attack as you drink with friends at a bar. An empty barrel could be filled with gunpowder to create a trap for a future ambush. A pub ransacked in a brawl could be forced to close down.
Both exploration and combat have been tightly coiled together allowing for the actions in one system to greatly influence the other-- it will be necessary to leverage one context to create advantages in the other. So what's the Story?
You play as Walter Shallot, a member of the "Valentine Watch", a proto-Police Force that operates on the isle of Valentine. The island is in disarray: its great pools of wealth evaporated after it's relevance on the global stage diminished. All the young and able have moved elsewhere, seeking brighter futures. Only the old and weak-willed remain.
The town is crumbling and its dissatisfied inhabitants are pointing fingers. There are those who are looking to modernise in a bid to return to prosperity. Others see this shift away from their roots and traditions as the cause of their fall from grace. As tensions continue to grow, intolerance and violence spread across the island.
As a member of the Valentine Watch it is your duty to keep civilians safe. You must prevent the town for tearing itself apart. Save Valentine.
What 'save' means is entirely up to you. This all seems like a bit much for a single Indie Developer, is it not?
While this project might sound unachievable, it's broad scope and complexity too much of an undertaking, I can confidently say that the project is close to fruition. For the past five years I've been toiling away at this endeavour. Large, intimidating tasks have been whittled down, dismantled and overcome.
While it's not been completed just yet, I am hoping to release a demo within the coming months.
It will contain the first 'night' of the storyline, introducing you to Walter as well as providing a glimpse into life on Valentine. It will provide a snapshot containing all of game's components: the character interactions, the combat, the ultra-divergent plotlines. This demo isn't some 'early-access' or 'work in progress' nonsense either-- expect the same level of polish as you would expect from the final game.
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And that's about all I can say for now. If you are interested in this project please follow me @ValentineWatch for frequent updates, this blog for longer-form analysis, and valentine.watch for the incoming demo release.
