In last year's update I mentioned my dismay stemming from a lack of progress in releasing a demo for The Valentine Watch. As such, you can only imagine my frustration knowing that it's still not released. Every time I draft a seemingly-sensible schedule for its development, it always seems like its completion is just around the corner; only a handful of months away at best. Initially, these plans appear to hold true and I catch faint glimpses of the finish line. However as I grow comfortable with the rate of progress, unforeseen issues and underestimations inevitably take hold and wreak havoc, crushing my expectations and faltering my motivation and discipline in the process.
This marathon of a grind has been a ferocious battle of attrition; a seemingly never-ending cycle of rescheduling and reiteration. Back in June (now already half a year ago) it was around one year since I had graduated from university. It made me realise how little had changed in the time since departing: still at home, still no real income, still no game. No real change other than an extra year tallied onto my age. In many ways I think this has been my bleakest year and it leaves me anxious whilst dreaming of the future-- I really can't see myself looking back fondly on this chapter of my life, even if there's not much worthy of remembrance.
Now that's not to say it was a complete loss. I did manage to secure some grants and take steps towards turning this game- and career by extension- into an actual business entity: I secured a little under £10,000 in funding; I made my first trip to a games expo; I registered myself as a sole trader.
Even the game seems to be reaching some sort of milestone: this past month I finished writing the first draft of the demo's script, the first draft of the trailer, as well as taking steps to conclude the programming side of development. Once again, a demo release seems well within reach. I hesitate to announce a date but I know it's coming soon, I can feel it in my bones. I just need to delve a little further, a little deeper into this deafening chasm I find myself in.
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Games
Unfortunately this year has also been entirely devoid of games. Aside from my own, I don't think I've spent more than thirty hours playing anything at all this past year.
Just like the last, I've found it incredibly difficult to find anything worth playing-- very few of the games I stumbled across seemed all that alluring. However that's not to say that there were none whatsoever-- my lack of enthusiasm meant that I rarely searched for the new and obscure so I'm hopeful that there are at least some hidden gems that have simply flown beneath my radar. But from what I did see, I found games like Red Dead Redemption 2 to be very fascinating. That said, I would still be hard-pressed to justify the cost of a new console based on it alone (as well as the current state of my bank balance).
For the first half of the year I continued to spend time (albeit less frequently) playing Melee and attending the occasional local tournament. However in the space of a few months I broke two controllers and lacked the motivation to buy another. This is something I still haven't done, despite enjoying the game. And I still haven't played Melee since, thanks to this lethargy.
It looked like I was going to complete the year without finishing anything new. If it wasn't for Toby Fox's surprise release, Deltarune, that sadly would have been the case. I was very excited to play it-- I consider Toby a major inspiration of mine (honestly, the development/release cycle of Undertale appears to be the best possible outcome for a solo indie dev) and I was expecting to have mounds to write by the time it was all over.
I didn't realise it was just a demo so I was more than a little disappointed when I reached the end of the experience. However, even after taken that into account I feel like the core narrative was rather underwhelming.
Everything started off so strong: I thought the opening character creation sequence was rather devious and set up an interesting concept for the narrative to explore. However, it felt like the idea was dropped the moment the intro sequence was over. Yes, while you had no 'choice' in the story, there was never a point where you felt like the lack of choice or agency really mattered in the grand scheme of things-- everything always turned out alright in the end.
I was also a little disappointed to see him resort to recycling characters from Undertale. At first I thought there was some significance to this, like the fact that the game starts almost as if it's a direct sequel to it. But then once again all of these ideas were dropped as soon as their use had expired: there is nothing more to read in their inclusion. Even Toby seemed to suggest as much on his Twitter. But if that's the case, then what's the point? It's not just the characters either-- so much of the game seems to draw parallels to Undertale. I mean, look at the structure: child(ren) falls into an unknown underground society and must search for a means of escape. A goat helps guide them as they come to terms with this foreign land. Along the way, a '''villain''' tries to capture them and prevent them from escaping. Through repeated encounters (via puzzles and battles) we learn that they are in fact harmless (and humorous) and are given a chance to befriend them.
While it seems harsh to assume his intentions when it is just a work in progress, to me it felt as though he was trying to capitalise on the strength of these previous concepts without the willingness to handle any of their baggage.
And the worst thing is is that I found all the new characters to be charming-- the interactions between the main trio were particularly delightful. I just wish the game diverged more from the previous or at the very least tried to reconcile some of its ideas.
While it's true that this is only a demo and we don't really know what's planned I still don't think it's productive to keep quiet about these reservations. Even now, a big part of me thinks that this is one big ruse, and that Toby has intentionally created these false pretenses to lure us into the big twist in the finished game. I have absolute faith in his ability to do so, perhaps more so than any other game developer. There were plenty of upgrades to Deltarune that show he has the skills: the new combat system (and its beautiful, beautiful animations), the new character designs, even the lighting in some sections seemed a cut above:
Apparently it took him an exhausting three years to make this demo (boy, I can relate to that) so the full release is still a little off. Despite that, and whatever criticism I have just made, this game is one that I am really, really, looking forward to.
I wonder what will be completed first: Deltarune or The Valentine Watch...
Film
Following this trend, my consumption of films has also waned. With every passing year, worthwhile movies seems harder and harder to find. Very few releases have compelled me to attend a screening and I've almost entirely stopped watching streams. All I seem to watch now is the same old Adam Curtis docs I've seen a hundred times.
I went to the same film festival this year and found it rather disappointing when compared to the last. I don't know if 2017 was a particularly strong year or what, but my time felt wasted by the bulk of the screenings this time around. The only highlight was An Elephant Sitting Still, a four-hour flick from China. The film was a bit of a grind, not just because of its length but also due its slow, methodical pacing. Despite that, there are a lot of scenes that stick in my mind after all this time.
The only other standout film I saw at the cinema this year was Shoplifters by Hirokazu Koreeda. It is by far my favourite film made by him, and probably my best experience in a theatre since Tokyo Godfathers over a year ago.
However, the most important film (or perhaps any piece of art, period) that I saw this year was No Game No Life Zero, of all things.
This was a complete surprise. This past year I've really fallen out of favour with anime. One night after returning from the gym I decided to search for a film to help me fall asleep. By sheer chance I found this gem. I vaguely remember watching the TV series many years ago and somewhat enjoying it. So why not give this a go?
I was very close to switching it off while watching: it was filled with your typical, by-the-book anime tropes, vanilla animation, and a bog-standard post-apocalyptic storyline to fill-in the gaps. Some scenes seemed laughably poor. I even had to pause the video on routine to fill myself in on all the crucial lore needed to appreciate the scenes and characters. Despite these frustrations, I persisted and watched it through to the end. I thought it was pretty alright. I fell asleep soon after.
The next day, the film was still on my mind so I decided to re-watch it. The same flurry of thoughts lingered through to the next day after that so I watched it yet again for a third time. After that, I binged the original series all over again with newfound appreciation. Soon after I watched all the obscure OVAs and extras associated with the series.
I had fallen in love with the film. For about two weeks it was constantly plaguing my mind, robbing me of entire days of productivity. Even though I had exhausted all forms of its content I desperately hunted for more: discussions, fan-art, figurines,...
Without a doubt, this is the most obsessed I have been with a film or franchise since I was a teen. However, even with all of this unfettered adoration I was still keenly aware of how awkward and unbalanced the film was. I was convinced that this was my favourite thing ever, even if the bulk of it was bad.
For whatever reason, the second half of the film resonated with me so strongly as to make the first half effectively irrelevant in my enjoyment of the whole. Even now, I'm not entirely sure why exactly it affected me so much.
If I tried to explain it, I think it has to do with the 'slow murder' of the main character during the climax. A heart-rending, gut-wrenching demise made all the worse by the fact that you knew she was doomed to perish from the outset. The music in this scene is phenomenal and lends the tragedy an 'operatic' flair.
Up until this point, my ideas of art in general were very pretentious, to put it lightly; I was very, very critical of shilling through art. The fact that I fell in love with this film forced me to rethink my perspective and shake-off this juvenile arrogance that was at the heart of my philosophy. The film was obviously produced with the intent to extract wealth from the Otaku invested in the original. The amount of merchandise is overwhelming: figures, posters, collector's editions, you name it. This film was made with profit in mind, not some higher, nobler cause, whatever that means. But even if that's the case, does that really matter if I loved it?
I haven't watched it again since my binge, though I really want to. While my wild obsession with the franchise quickly died down my curiosity remains dormant. The subtitles in the version I watched were very questionable so I've been waiting for a polished blu-ray release. While I'm a little scared that this re-watch will tarnish the grand idea I have of this film in my mind, I'm intrigued to see how my feelings hold after all this time. The blu-ray was just recently released in the UK so I guess we'll find out soon.
Music
LAVA|OX|SEA
LAVA|OX|SEA !!!
LAVA|OX|SEA !!!!!!!!!
After a few nights of investigation, I found a site called Xiami, which can best be described as a Chinese Spotify. Here, I found all of their albums as well as other obscure tracks belonging to other similarly-obscure artists.
I find it hard to describe what exactly draws me to this band-- even their genre is hard to pinpoint. If I had to say, I would describe their appeal as something much more fundamental, embedded within their seemingly-unique approach to music. This flavour can be felt through each of their albums even though the resultant sound of each remains incredibly distinctive: ultra lo-fi indie tapes in Media Murdered the Young to violent and thrashy rock affairs in Heavy Metal Rock is the Best Music (please note that this album is anything but heavy metal).
Despite their major differences, all of their albums maintain a high benchmark and I would struggle to single out any of them as the best. Equally, none of them are flawless, as each album possesses its own unique faults.
Sadly the band disbanded several years ago so it's unlikely that we will ever see another release. While the frontman/guitarist Han-Han has performed in a handful of acts previous to and since LAVA|OX|SEA (Lowspirit, Duck Fight Goose, GOOOOOSE), they largely fail to fill the gap-- while faint familiar flavours can be felt here and there, it's simply not the same. Thankfully I haven't exhausted the band's four albums just yet so the panic can hold off, at least for now.
This past year, I've also been delving into classical. Initially this was done as an exercise to boost my knowledge of the genre as the soundtrack for The Valentine Watch will be comprised of arrangements from that era. However, slowly but surely, this venture transformed into a leisure as I found more pockets of interest within the field. I had never really taken interest in classical music outside of a handful of compositions (Gymnopédies, Danse Macabre) but today I find myself with a broad range of interests in the genre, both old and new.
This process was kickstarted by my discovery of Janis Crunch's album, I Just Love the Piano. I was drawn to this collection after hearing the track Rob Call. To this day it remains my favourite piano piece and one of my favourite songs ever:
A live version of the song. Check out the version on 'Casa' if you can!
Before this album, I never thought I'd be able to tolerate a full-length LP comprised almost exclusively of piano. Needless to say, this album changed that. Not only has it become one of my favourites, it has also given me the desire to learn piano (or at the very least, the aforementioned song).
From there, my prejudices towards the genre shrank and I began to delve further into the music. I now love Rachmaninov (The Isle of the Dead) and Ravel (Pavane for a Dead Princess, A Boat on the Ocean) and I'm sure there's plenty more out there for me to discover.
This past year my love for The Cinematic Orchestra has also reignited. Initially, I discovered them back in high school through their album Everyday. However during my time at university I began to fall out of favour with them and they receded to the back of my mind before fading entirely. Over Summer I rediscovered them, and this time went on to explore their entire discography. Similar to LAVA|OX|SEA, each album caters to a different itch while maintaining a high-level of excellence. I'm glad to have found them again.
Other than that, my obscure-hipster-Asian rock tastes have also developed and I am now listening to bands like Scarlet's Other Parts, Butterbeer, and The White Tulips.
Art
Unfortunately my exploration of art has also stagnated this year: I've lacked the opportunity to explore any new galleries recently so I've often had to resort to retreading through the same old lot. I'd really need to visit new cities and new countries if I'm to find anything refreshing at this point. As such, I haven't really had the chance to develop my tastes: things are more or less looking the same as they were a year ago.
That said, I have been attending life drawing sessions again after stopping for six months. While I'm not 100% happy with where I am now, I am comfortable enough to share some of my sketches:
I'm going to continue sketching for the foreseeable future although I would really like to delve into painting, particularly oil. Maybe I'll be able to show you all some next year.
Manga / Comics
I've been reading a tonne of manga this year. While my exploration of most other mediums could be described as sluggish, my interest in manga has been thoroughly rejuvenated. At this point it may even be the medium that I have consumed the most of, or at the very least, the most frequently.
As a young teen I used to read chapters every other day. While I preferred anime, their awkward broadcast schedules coupled with a lack of adequate streaming sites meant that it was too frustrating and too out of reach for casual enjoyment. Manga provided a cheaper, more readily available alternative for accessing the subculture. Every week I could look forward to a batch of new chapters from all of my favourite series. Now I don't remember reading anything particularly noteworthy from that time; I'm sure it was just the usual weeb staples like Naruto, Death Note, and Gantz.
However, as internet speeds rocketed and streaming sites improved my focus shifted back to anime. I only read manga in the cases where I could follow the story further than their respective anime (like in the case of Tokyo Ghoul and Hunter x Hunter).
It wasn't until last year that my patience for anime began to wear. Once again, I shifted back to manga and I was immediately caught off-guard by the diversity and variety on offer, especially when compared to anime: narrative, tone, aesthetic,... there was so much more to see and it all felt much more deliberate. I dug in, first sinking my teeth into shorter titles like Downfall and Mujirushi.
I would like to gush about all the fantastic series I've read this past year but there are simply too many.
I love BLAME! for its utterly bleak portrait of our future; I love Golden Kamuy for its humorous and intriguing caper in an interesting era; I love Dorohedoro for its scratchy, punk aesthetic and its dark twisted humour; I love ReLIFE for its sweet charm and captivating conceit; I love Memories of Emanon for its beautiful yet bittersweet take on a single night's encounter and the painful longing that comes thereafter.
I'm really glad I've delved back into manga. For once, I have no fear that I'm going to run the supply dry, at least for this coming year-- there is simply too much that I still need to read. I've barely scratched the surface with Inio Asano or Naoki Urusawa and I still have the conclusions of Attack on Titan, Hunter x Hunter, and Golden Kamuy to enjoy. Plenty to look forward too!
Books & Literature
Lastly, I wanted to briefly mention my recent appreciation for novels. It has finally clicked! For most of my life I've had very little motivation when it comes to reading even though I knew that it was something I really had to do if I was to improve as a creator: how else could I increase my proficiency in writing if I did not read? For me, I think the issue lied with the fact that I found it immensely difficult to find books with stories that I would take interest in. However, whenever I did unearth a sliver of interest in books it always came in a burst, usually after finding a cluster of stories that matched my sensibilities for the time: fantastical epics with The Iliad and The Odyssey, dystopian futures with 1984 and Brave New World.
In recent months however, things have turned and I think I can finally say that I've found my favourite author, Osamu Dazai:
I picked up his final novel, No Longer Human, back in August and immediately fell in love. While that may not be the most apt expression to use when discussing a novel about alienation, drug abuse, depression, and suicide, I found it strangely touching and resonating.
His earlier novel, The Setting Sun was just as beautiful and unsettling. It is the first book that I've read where specific passages have hit me like a tonne of bricks, searing their words into my mind in the process:
"Whenever you can hear the gloomy sighs of woe from the four walls around you, you know there's not a chance of happiness existing just for you. What feelings do you suppose a man has when he realises that he will never know happiness or glory as long as he lives? Hard work. All that amounts to is food for the wild beasts of hunger. There are too many pitiful people."
I'm currently reading Fahrenheit 451 and I think I might also start Spring Snow soon, marking the first time I've read two books in tandem.
I'm glad things seem to be finally clicking. It is still very much a new hobby of mine so I cannot definitively say I have a top 10 yet (I think I would struggle to even name ten novels). However I hope that my interest continues to blossom over the course of this coming year. Maybe I'll have a 3x3 for next time.
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Final Remark
In many ways, the 'highlights' of this past year have been experiences through fiction, whether it's film, manga, music or other. Hopefully this isn't a prelude to the new norm expected in adult life, but rather a transitional phase after the freefall I've found myself in since graduating.
It has largely been an uneventful year, grinding away for hours upon hours trying to realise this project. I feel ineffectual and incapable much of the time but what determination is left is firmly set on seeing this project to completion in some form; whether that is just a demo or something more remains to be seen, however. While I have been saying for months- probably even years- that the demo is right round the corner I can now feel it in my bones. Not much longer to go.
Now to prevent this post from diving straight off into the deep-end of depression I should point out that this year hasn't been a complete loss-- there have of course been some high points. Just over a week ago I went to my first music concert in years, seeing Tricot in Glasgow. It's not much, but I found the whole experience to be astounding. What a band! They are quite possibly the coolest people I have ever witnessed. If there is only a single day from this year that I look back fondly on, I'm sure it will be that. Hopefully there will be many more days just like it right around the corner.
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P.S.
For all those keeping score, the old iPhone is still functioning. It will be turning 9 years old next month.
