I don't remember much of previous birthdays. The only years I remember are my 18th, 20th and 21st. My 18th was my first legal drink (on the house‒ thank you Whey Pat) surrounded by friends. My 21st was spent alone despairing in my university bedroom.
My 20th was a funny one‒ I tried throwing a house party, but being a shy compsci student meant that all I could muster was a measely Facebook Event page. Naturally, this wasn't enough to entice anyone beyond my close friends. Most of the night was spent playing Lugaru with a lone friend before others arrived.
Despite how it may sound, I look back fondly on that night; I really had a great time. It was the birthday that brought me into my twenties; now that decade is now over. Any objective analysis of these past ten years would yield dismal results: chronic illness, a lack of achievement, a draining of vitality.
That's not to say there were no small victories: I'm vastly stronger, fitter and wiser than my old self. If anything, it could be said that this decade was sacrificed to produce a healthy body and mind (more or less).
After years of misfortune I suppose I should be happy with this outcome. While I have occasional moments of contentment I largely feel frustrated and powerless. Materially speaking, I am a pauper and my career history is laughable. Living on an impoverished rural island only exacerbates these issues. At this age, the window of opportunity is all but closed; it is very likely that any new opportunity I receive will be my last. Miss it, and this overwhelming feeling of inertia will be impossible to remove.
In last year's entry I spoke so confidently of earning money. What a fool! Too hasty by far. Clearly I was not prepared for the fickleness of the current labour market.
A lack of paid work means I've returned to TVW, nibbling away at bits and pieces. Currently, I'm treating it as a hobby rather than a serious pursuit. It was barely a year ago that I announced that I would be indefinitely shelving TVW. What a fool indeed! Here I am again, firmly caught within its gravity. That said, there's absolutely no end in sight: the idea of me ever finishing the engine seems fantastical, let alone an entire game.
Games
Speaking of games, I actually played (and finished!) a game this year: It Takes Two.
I completed it over the course of a weekend with my girlfriend. It was a truly joyous experience, but we see little value in replaying it. We've thought of playing its successor, Split Fiction, but the price is extortionate: call me a cheapskate, but I simply refuse to pay a AAA-price for what may be an open-and-shut 8-hour experience.
Beyond this, I've played nothing at all apart from the odd stint in Minecraft.
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I've often written-off games due to their infancy. While I still hold this belief, it has softened: I believe there's a growing corpus of indie games that may be worthy of investigation. My issue is that I have no knowledge of where or how to find them. I have a growing dislike of Steam and would like to avoid it at all costs. Sure, there are other websites, but I simply do not have the time or knowledge to differentiate the jewels from the slop.
Demos provide a natural solution to this problem. That said, I feel like there's still too much friction: it takes time to download and install a demo. This process is often longer than my playtime.
A less commented on strength of Notch's Minecraft was its demo, totally self-contained within the browser. If I could reverse time I would endeavour to make the full version of TVW totally playable within the browser as well. It's an utter tragedy that Oracle never produced a successor to Java applets; I think something magnificent was missed there.
Music
Doraji's pay heed to a little one that holds on to your hand is the best album I have listened to in many, many years.
For a long time, I've struggled to find an album that's consistently good; even albums I consider my all-time favourites, Riot on an Empty Street and Media Murdered the Young for example, still have weaknesses (Surprise Ice and Space Group, respectively). Pay Heed is the first album I've listened to, perhaps ever, that has broken through this limit. The only caveat is that its two-minute intro is a little shaky (I almost turned off the album the first time I listened to it because of this, shockingly).
Doraji has achieved shoegaze perfection with their first ‒and sadly only‒ album. The earth learns how to walk embodies the energy and vitality of the genre whereas deathofdeathstarorpainstair captures the numbing dizziness that the sound is known for. No effect or instrument feels out of place; every quality hits the mark:
I can't express how frustrating it is to see how unknown they are: as of writing, their Spotify only has 37 monthly listeners. Apart from this album, they only have one other song (why did Panam go broke). They are a Korean band, so any local info is beyond my grasp. It's very likely that this is all they will ever release, and all I will ever know. It hurts.
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Another Korean band I've enjoyed is Bulsazzo. I discovered one of their songs, 18 1/2, several years ago and loved it, but struggled to find any of their other works (and with good reason!). This past year I've found a couple more. Their song, 다른 사람들은 조용한 삶을 영위하고 있다, is fantastic:
Sadly, I'll struggle to find any more tracks than the handful I've already found: they only release their music physically, not digitally. I actually respect that a lot.
Literature
I have only read one and a half books this year. I have no excuse; I've simply lost the desire to read. However the one book I read was riveting, thankfully. The People of the Abyss paints an incredibly stark picture of early 20th-century London. As someone with a passing interest in the era, the book provided many new and interesting details regarding inner-city life. Perhaps the most shocking was the sheer number of people who slept through the day in parks and alleys as the homeless were prevented from rough sleeping at night:
Hyde Park
As British society slips back into the abyss, people naturally yearn for the "good old days". Jack London's book is an excellent counter-point to this stance: it's clear that the caustic tendrils of capitalism were already entrenched and well on their way to liquefying the British working class, with or without the horror of the Great War on the horizon. This excerpt particularly stood out to me:
And equally stupendous is the callousness of the people who believe in Christ, acknowledge God, and go to church regularly on Sunday. For the rest of the week they riot about on the rents and profits which come to them from the East End stained with the blood of the children. Also, at times, so peculiarly are they made, they will take half a million of these rents and profits and send it away to educate the black boys of Soudan.
Nothing new under the sun.
Film
I saw a number of memorable films this year. Surprisingly, none of them were found at film festivals. This year I went to Glasgow Film Festival and Scotland Loves Anime. I saw two films at GFF, A Brief History of a Family and Baby Assassins 3. Both were fine, if a little bland.
At Scotland Loves Anime, I was quite excited for the new Lupin III film by Takeshi Koike. He was present at the screening for a Q&A. Crushingly, the film was the most dismal viewing experience I had experienced since Poor Things. Why Koike thought sci-fi was a suitable genre for a Lupin film I simply do not know. Clearly I wasn't the only one blindsided by this as someone asked about this during his Q&A. His response was rather nonchalant, as if such an idea wasn't that big of a deal. I found that rather unsettling.
The only film worth watching at SLA was the remaster of Vampire Hunter D. Sadly I was too sloshed to truly appreciate it.
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Everything good was watched from my computer screen: Glengarry Glenross, Lolita, Pride & Prejudice; films at first glance I thought I would have no interest in yet each was truly memorable.
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As for TV series, I absolutely adored Aeon Flux; it caught me completely off-guard. Despite its simple presentation, it was surprisingly sophisticated. It can't be watched at a glance: viewing requires full concentration. As such, I wouldn't recommend marathoning the whole series. By far the best episode was Thanatophobia. It is the most demoralising depiction of human society that I have ever witnessed.
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Speaking of demoralisation, another TV series stirred my imagination: Tokyo Girl (2016). I can't remember how I stumbled upon this one, but I was sold from episode 1. Its depiction of city living is frighteningly grounded; at no point does its realism loosen its grip. I was surprised (and impressed) that they were willing to carry the hollowness of urban living all the way to the very end; less ambitious shows would repent and provide some resolution and comfort for the audience.
Manga
This year I spent many, many weeks reading through bits and pieces of Tsutomu Nihei's library. I have so much love for Blame! but I never gave any of his other series much attention. During winter I ended up reading Aposimz and Tower Dungeon.
Both series are excellent, yet both suffer from serious flaws: Aposimz's final act is beyond rushed and borderline unreadable whereas Tower Dungeon's art appears to deteriorate with every new chapter. Nihei is phenomenal at creating mysterious worlds; the strength of his world building allows me to excuse the weakness. My only minor criticism is that he leans on Blame! references a little to heavily in other works; he can't seem to escape it.
Those were the two manga series I read this year. I did not realise Tower Dungeon was written by Nihei until I had caught-up with the releases, funnily enough.
Art
I now notice that I failed to include this category last year. Not that it really mattered: I haven't seen anything particularly noteworthy these past two years.
Coda
These entries are continuing to get shorter and shorter. These little scribbles are rather forced: even with things I greatly enjoy I have no desire to write. I still question if that boundless love for creative pursuits is something that I can regain. It's not as if that love has simply been diverted into something new: it genuinely feels like it has simply vanished.
That said, I still have my moments: I notice that programming TVW often makes me manic: I find it hard to switch-off after most sessions as I always want to continue deep into the night. This past week was particularly strange as it was the first time it has ever given me adrenaline shakes. I don't drink caffeine or energy drinks, just for clarity. I'm certain many people will find this unhealthy (I do not dispute this) but I feel like these moments are the closest I get to that old, romantic, unhinged and unconquerable spirit of early adulthood.
I have no idea what the future holds; it feels like many things are converging: the need for money, TVW, my psyche... Somehow I must thread the needle.
